Secret Obsessions
by Luthy Lovett
Summary: The characters of PotC have joined a support group for their Secret Obsessions. Warning: Outrageous obsessions will abound, and stuff will be made fun of. Spoilers may also be in there.
1. Cast of Characters

**Cast of Characters**

Note: Listed below are the characters I plan on using in this story. If you don't see a character on this list that you would like to see, please feel free to suggest a character I should add in their review, or they can email me. Also, I would like if people could offer up ideas for a secret obsession that they think each character should have. Some of the characters I already have ideas for, but I am always open to suggestions: D About Lil' Sheep Dude: He is that short one in Jack's crew… I just call him that because when I'm in certain moods it sounds like he says : "Jack owes us a sheep!" in the first move, instead of ship. XD

Will:

Jack:

Tia Dalma:

Bootstrap Bill: running around and crashing into things while screaming nonsensical phrases (Thanks **Dreamcloud818!**)

Pintel:

Ragetti :

Barbossa:

Davy Jones: Phantom of the Opera (Thanks **Simoriah: Girl of Summer!**)

Gibbs: Disney Sing a Long Videos (Thanks to **Captain Dixxie Mae!)**

Norrington:

Beckett: belly dancing while singing Kelis's "Milkshake" song.

Elizabeth:

Lil' Sheep Dude:

Spazzy: Bombs (This is the pirate from the first movie who enjoyed throwing bombs. He was the one who's beard was always on fire. If you don't recognize him, he's the one that was bothering Will before Will got knocked out by a different pirate. You may know him as Jacoby.)

Governor Swann:


	2. The Path to Self Enlightenment Begins

**Chapter 1- The Journey Begins**

A Note: Sorry if this first chapter isn't very funny. I plan for this story to be funnier. XD Hope you enjoy!

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Will opened the door marked "Secret Obsession Support Group" and poked his head in. He blinked, squinting at the darkness of the room.

"Come in!" thundered a voice that seemed to speak from above.

Frowning, Will walked into the room, shutting the door behind him. As he sat down in the circle, he heard a click as the door locked itself. He shifted nervously, suddenly having second thoughts about this.

Suddenly, a bright light flared up out of nowhere. Will gasped as he realized that he recognized every single face that sat in the circle.

Then The Voice spoke again. "Each in turn will introduce themselves and their obsession. Then you will discuss resolutions. I trust you can handle this yourselves. Tata!"

"You're leaving us!" Will demanded, but The Voice was silent.

Will heaved a sigh and said, "Well, I guess we should get on with it, then."


	3. Bootstrap's Obsession

Will looked around at the silent circle. He cleared his throat, then said, "Well, um, who would like to start?"

The silence stretched on for awhile until Gibbs sighed.

"Well, I guess I will," he started "I'm Joshamee Gibbs, and my obsession is-"

But he didn't get to finish his sentence, because Bootstrap Bill had leapt out of his seat and started to run around, yodeling. He banged into Gibbs' chair, and fell on his rear end.

"Um, I guess he wants to start," Will said, casting a nervous glance at this father.

Bootstrap Bill got up, spun around three times, and sat back down again. "Yes, I would like to start," he said calmly. "My name is William Turner, but everyone just calls me Bootstrap, or Bootstrap Bill. My secret obsession is- TO ARMS, MY CALCIFEROUS PENCILS! TO ARMS!"

With that, he jumped back up and galloped around, before crashing into a wall and sitting down. Jack exchanged an amused glance with Will, and then looked back at Bootstrap, raising an eyebrow.

Bootstrap giggled. "Oh, what a rush! Like I was saying, my secret obsession is running around and crashing into things while screaming nonsensical phrases."

He smiled brightly, but then his smile vanished and he stood up. He then proceeded to dash wildly about the room.

"BITE MY BUTT, CONGO SNAKE!" he screeched as he collided with a floor lamp.

"Er, right then. Can anyone offer a solution?"

Ragetti raised his hand, waving it around. "Oh, oh! Oi, over 'ere! Pick me! I've gots an idea!"

Will nodded at Ragetti. "Well, share it, then."

"I say, we strap a cannon to ol' Bootstraps' bootstraps, and-"

"THE GREAT CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE ORDERS YOU TO CEASE BEING SUCH A FUDDY-DUDDY!" Bootstrap caterwauled, followed by a loud thump.

"Apparently he doesn't like that idea. Anyone else?" Will said.

"I know what we can do!" Jack announced, a sly grin on his face. Jack figured that if he had to be here, he might as well make some fun out of it. "I say, we tie 'is bootstraps together, an' then we give 'im a good, hard push, right into our young Elizabeth Swann, 'ere."

Skeptical murmurs met Jack's statement, along with Elizabeth's cries of outrage, but Will shrugged and said, "It never hurts to try."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

So it was that our good old friend Bootstrap Bill found himself in the middle of a Secret Obsession Support Group circle, with his bootstraps knotted together, and facing a grumpy looking Elizabeth.

Jack stood behind Bootstrap, that same sly grin still on his face. Since he was the one who had thought up this idea, he had received the honor of shoving Bootstrap.

"Ready, old mate?" he murmured into Bootstrap's ear.

Without waiting for an answer, Jack shoved Bootstrap as hard as he could. As he watched Bootstrap tip forward, Jack thought happy, vengeful thoughts.

_That's what you get fer dragging me 'ere, you prissy little-_

But his thoughts were interrupted by a hoarse cry from Bootstrap Bill:

"_ZANY ZEBRA ZOINKA ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Needless to say, Jack's plan didn't work.


	4. A Rather Odd Interruption

Since Jack's plan hadn't done diddlysquat, the group had resorted to some temporary and drastic measures.

"COCONUT HEARTED FROG LEGS! RELEASE ME!" Bootstrap roared from his seat. They had chained him securely to his seat, leaving him immobile.

"Maybe we shoulda gagged 'im, too!" Jack suggested merrily.

"No, no. He's fine the way he is. Besides," Will said, whipping out a card that had magically appeared in his pocket after the Voice had left, " 'Everyone must give input and support to their beloved fellow Circle-Members.' "

Will nodded in a satisfied manner and tucked the card back into his pocket.

"If you be askin' me, that's the biggest load 'a-" Jack began, but was interrupted by a glare from Will.

"Thank you for your input, Jack," Will said pointedly. "Now, who would like to go next?"

Blank faces stared back at Will. He sighed, and was about to stand up and get his turn over with, when the door burst open.

"Yehahahahahahahaha!" cackled an insane and rugged looking pirate who had somehow managed to barrel down the locked door.

"Um… I guess we have a guest," Will said, looking a little freaked out. "Maybe he felt the need to share his secret obsession…?"

But no one answered Will, as they were all too busy staring at the intruder. The intruder was waving around a bomb. He suddenly stopped, and stared at them all.

"The name's Jacoby. But everyone just calls me Spazzy! Yehehaho!" the mad pirate spluttered, spit flying in all directions. "Can anyone guess what my obsession is?"

Jack raised his hand. "Uncleanliness?"

"NO!" Spazzy roared, doing this weird hopping up and down… thing. "Barbossa! Cap'n! You should know!"

Barbossa coughed and shifted uncomfortably. This was one crew member of his that he rather disliked. "Well, yes, I do know. Ye like bombs."

"Yes!" Spazzy grinned a broad and grimy grin. "Me like da boom-boom! BOOM! BOOM!"

He cackled and ran around in circles. "Me want to see boom-boom. You want to see boom-boom, too?"

"No!" everyone said, in perfect unison, even though that never happens.

"Dahaho! Too late!" Spazzy said.

And then he set off the boom-boom.

There was a loud boom, and little bits of Spazzy flew everywhere. Amazingly enough (and most conveniently for me), no one was hurt, aside from Lord Beckett, who was splattered in the face by little pieces of dangerous flying Spazzy-guts.

"That's int'resting," Jack said, flicking a piece of the now-dead insane pirate off of his shoulder. "That's _very _int'resting."

"Er, right then," Will said, still rather disgusted at what had just happened. "Let's move on, shall we? Who's next?"


	5. Obnoxious Beckett's Obsession

(Note: Here's the next chapter! The song I used belongs to the singer Kelis. I hate the song, and that kind of music, but it was perfect for Beckett. Oh, and in case you couldn't tell, I loathe Beckett with a passion.)

They all looked at each other, each one waiting for someone else to go so that they wouldn't have to- yet. Then, a loud and obnoxious sigh was heard, and Beckett stood up and looked at them all, an all-powerful scowl on his face.

"I suppose I'll just get it over with," he said snottily. "My obsession is-"

"Um, you have to announce who you are first," Will interrupted, looking annoyed.

"Fine, fine, have it _your_ way, Mr.Turner." Beckett snapped with a stamp of his foot. "My name, as you should all know, is Cutler Beckett, but you may- no, you _must_- call me Lord Beckett."

Jack's lips twitched upwards into a smirk. "Cutler, that sounds a bit like cutlery, eh, mate?" He nudged Beckett, who he was sitting next to, in the side.

"Ew! Don't touch me, you filthy pirate… thing!" Beckett squealed, jumping out of his chair and frantically brushing himself off. He shuddered, and then composed himself. "Right. My obsession."

He paused, and everyone stared at him, waiting. "Erm, well, um," Beckett- excuse me, _Lord _Beckett- looked uncharacteristically uncomfortable. He tugged at his collar, playing for time. "Well, my obsession, it would be, er-"

"Chicken." Jack muttered under his breath, chuckling.

"I AM NOT A CHICKEN, YOU-" Beckett shouted, letting loose a stream of obscenities that would have made any sailor proud. By the time he had finished, he face was an unsightly purple and he was gasping for breath.

"You really shouldn't do that, ye know. Purple just isn't really your color, 'specially on your face." Jack said, snickering loudly.  
"GRAWWWWK!" Beckett squawked, sounding quite like the chicken Jack had accused him of being earlier.

"Told you 'e was a bloody chicken," Jack said, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms over his chest.

Beckett gnashed his teeth. He looked ready to pounce on Jack, and everyone was getting pumped to watch a good old-fashioned brawl. But Beckett suddenly became calm.

"I am above your… sort," he sniffed, turning up his nose. "So there. Poopyhead."

"Suit yerself, chicken," Jack said.

"Anyway, like I was saying before poopyhead interrupted me, my obsession is-" Once again, Beckett choked on his words. "Argh. I think it might be easier if I simply _showed_ you my obsession, rather than _describing_ it to you."

That said, he stood up and snapped his fingers. The lights suddenly dimed, and a disco ball dropped from the ceiling.

Beckett stood there, his head bowed, as a funky beat began. He bopped his body up and down to the beat, and then he snapped his head up, eyes bright and wide.

"WARM IT UP!" Beckett shouted, whipping off his clothing. Everybody shrieked and scrambled for cover, anything to shield themselves from the horrid sight before their eyes. But they had no need to, for underneath his regular clothing Beckett wore a flashy belly dancing outfit, made out of shimmery neon pink and purple fabric, covered in lots of jingly-jangly thingamajiggers.

Seeing that Beckett was fully clothed, everyone breathed a collective sigh of relief and settled back down in their seats to watch the entertainment while trying to keep a straight face.

Beckett began shimmy-shaked his hips around a bit, and then began to sing, still belly dancing with all his might.

"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like it's better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours, I could teach you, but I'd have to charge."

The singing and dancing went on like this for awhile, until Beckett got to the final chorus. He sang this with all his puny might, and belly danced as fast and "seductively" (!) as he could. As the final beat resonated, he struck an odd pose, with his stomach and chest thrust forward whilst waggling his backside around in circles.

Finished, he blushed beet red and slunk back to his seat. The lights returned to normal, and he cleared his throat uncomfortably.

Will was about to ask if anyone had any possible cures for this obsession, but he found he couldn't speak due to how loudly he was laughing. Looking around, Will noticed that everyone else was laughing to.

Beckett's bottom lip quivered, and his eyes filled up with tears. "Why are you all so mean to meeeeee!" he wailed, and ran sobbing to a corner. He curled up into a ball, and sucked his thumb and cried while he rocked back and forth.

But, even though they noticed his pitiful state, no one gave a crap, because everyone hates Beckett.


	6. Disney SingALong Fun

(Thanks to Captain Dixxie Mae for the idea for Gibbs's obsession! I apologize for the long wait for this chapter. My family just moved.)

Will looked around at the gathered circle. He was a little nervous about asking who wanted to go next, due to their last incident, and he did not want to be scarred for life anymore than he now was. He glanced at Beckett, who was now sitting in his chair with his bottom lip sticking out very far. Beckett's servant, Mr.Mercer, rubbed his back and spoke soothing words to him.

Upon seeing this, Will raised an eyebrow and looked away, mumbling, "Whatever," under his breath.

Finally, with a sigh, he asked the dreaded question:

"Who's going next?"

Silence. Complete and total silence. And then…

"I will!"

Everyone looked to see who it was that had spoken. It was Mr.Gibbs, and he was standing up.

Will nodded at him, "Go ahead, then."

Mr.Gibbs's face paled a little as he realized that he would have to soon reveal his obsession. He resigned himself, and then announced, "My name is Joshamee Gibbs.My obsession is-"

"Joshamee? Joshamee! HAH!" Beckett spluttered amidst his laughter. "That sounds like Josh-a-knee! Get it? Josh-a-knee!"

His outburst was greeted with blank stares. Jack raised a single eyebrow at Beckett and muttered something under his breath that sounded quite like, "Stupid chicken."

Seeing that no one else was laughing, Beckett's laughter quickly turned into sobs. "I knew you hated me!" he wailed, his voice reaching a terrifying squeaky height. Everyone winced and covered their ears. Bootstrap began to yell random phrases. He clearly wanted to cover his ears, but, alas, he could not, because his hands were tied to the chair as a restraint against him getting up and crashing into things.

"The projectional software of the sixth dimension requires a zebra to stuff down it's throat!" Bootstrap roared, shaking his head violently back and forth.

Beckett stared at Bootstrap for a moment, before bursting into laughter again. "Haha! Look at the funny man!"

Bootstrap stopped shaking his head and fixed his gaze on Beckett. "Thy charitable socks shall eat wormwood!"

Beckett's eyes widened, and he quickly shut up. Everyone grinned.

"Told you 'e wos a chicken!" Jack said triumphantly.

Beckett folded his arms across his chest and looked like he was about to start wailing again, but Will interrupted him.

"I think that Gibbs was attempting to tell us his obsession. Let's let him continue." Will said, turning to Gibbs.

Gibbs sighed. He had been hoping that they would forget about him. Oh well. "I like Disney Sing Along Videos."

This was met with total silence. Everyone just stared at him, blank-faced.

"Well, all of you must've been deprived of a childhood!" Gibbs huffed. He then reached into one of his pockets, and withdrew a tape. "This right 'ere- this is my obsession."

He waltzed flamboyantly over to a television that had conveniently appeared in the room. Everyone gave him an odd look at seeing him waltz. Humming a happy Disney tune, Gibbs stuck in the tape and pushed a few buttons.

The screen was blank for a moment, and Gibbs returned to his seat. All of a sudden, bright colors burst onto the screen, and a happy little lion cub started bouncing around and singing.

"I'm gonna be a might king! So enemies beware!" The little cub sang. The words to the song scrolled across the bottom of the screen, and Gibbs began singing along as loud as he could.

Everyone's mouths fell open. This peppy little lion cub was beginning to scare them a bit.

"No one sayin' do this! No one sayin' stop that! No one sayin' see heeeere!"

It was then that Gibbs stood up and began to dance and groove to the song. "C'mon everybody! Join me!"

Glances were exchanged, and finally Tia Dalma stood up and started to dance and sing. Her singing was rather… odd, due to her heavily accented voice and gunky black teeth.

Ragetti jumped up next, squealing, "That looks li'e fun!" He waggled his hips around, pulling Pintel up with him, and forced Pintel to dance to.

Pintel looked a little embarrassed, and he blushed and shuffled back and forth a little.

Soon, everyone in the group was dancing- Jack and Will were doing the tango, Governer Swann was doing the chacha, and Beckett was (of course) belly dancing. Even Bootstrap was doing a little wiggling around, though he couldn't really do much since he was tied to a chair.

The song ended, and then the next song began. This one was about a little red-headed mermaid, and a little lobster. It had a funky little xylophone thing in it, and the lobster began singing.

Suddenly, Beckett belly danced right into the television. It fell with a loud CRASH! And the tape stuck out of the VCR at a funny angle.

The room went dead silent as Gibbs's face became all scrunched.

"Nooooooo! Preciousss!" he howled, diving over to his tape. He tugged at it, but couldn't remove it form under the television.

Gibbs turned on Beckett, his eyes crazed. "You hurt friend! Me hurt yooooouuuu!"

He pounced on Beckett, and yanked off his wig. Beckett protested loudly about that, and tugged on some of Gibbs' thin hair.

Soon, everyone had found a reason to attack someone else in the room. Fistfights broke out everywhere, and Jack was waving around a sword, while Elizabeth was brandishing a handy bottle of rum she had found.

Bootstrap burst from his chair and rushed at Pintel and Ragetti, howling, "STRAWBERRY SPECKLED TEDDY BEARS LOVE TO CLIMB TREES!"


	7. A SquidFaced Confession

(Okay, dudes- here's an update! Hope you enjoy it!)

**Thanks to Simoriah: Girl of Summer for Davy Jones's obsession!**

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Bugger it.

Will was busy defending himself against Jack's sword to notice anyone else around him.

"Give me the compass!" he growled, before flinging his sword at the door, effectively locking it.

"What'd ya do that fer, mate?" Jack asked, looking at Will.

"I dunno. But we're supposed to be fighting, I guess, since everyone else is." Will said. "Oh, wait. I don't have a weapon now. Wanna have a thumb war instead?"

Jack tossed his sword on the ground and shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

That said, he and Will grabbed two empty chairs, sat down facing each other, and began their thumb war.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

"Oof!" Ragetti said as he was knocked over by Bootstrap.

He glanced at Pintel, who was also sprawled on the ground. Pintel shrugged, and got up.

Turning to Bootstrap, Pintel huffed, "What was that fer? You know, you really oughta-"

But he was cut off by Bootstrap, who explained, "I honestly don't know. Everyone else was fighting, so I thought I'd- PLOUGH THE PLEUSTON ON THE PLINTH!"

That said, he charged the duo again. Ragetti dived out of the way, and accidentally flew into Davy Jones, knocking him down.

Davy Jones's Bbosun, Jimmylegs, upon seeing this, said, "Haul that weevil to his feet! Five lashes will teach him to not knock down our captain!"

Two of the Dutchman's crewmembers shoved Ragetti against the wall.

"Oi! Someone 'elp me!" Ragetti cried out.

But no one heard him, because they were all involved in their own battles

Jimmylegs had just raised the whip and was about to bring it down on Ragetti's back, when Davy Jones shouted, "Wait! Everyone stop!"

All movement in the room ceased as everyone turned to look at Davy Jones.

"Let him go. I have a confession to make. My name is Davy Jones, and my… my obsession is…"

He paused, obviously afraid to go on. Everyone stared at him, surprised at how he was acting.

"Go on, fishface." Jack urged.

"Phantom of the Opera!" Davy Jones finally burst out.

"Op'ra?" Tia Dalma asked. "And what wo'd be dis "opera" dat ya speak of?"

Davy Jones sighed, and said, "If you'll all sit back in your chairs, I'll show you."

Everyone sat back down, both eager and afraid of what was about to happen. Bootstrap looked especially amused; he had always wondered if there was anything embarrassing that his captain was obsessed with.

Davy Jones snapped his fingers, and the lights dimmed.

His beard squirming, Davy Jones stared up at the ceiling.

Suddenly, he opened his mouth, and sang in a perfectly-pitched soprano, "In sleeeep he sang to me…. In dreams he cameeee. That voice which calllls to me, and speaks my name."

Twirling prettily, he continued, "And do I dream again? For now I fiiiind… the phantommmm of the op-er-a is hereee…. Inside my mind!"

Dramatic music began to play, and Davy Jones stopped twirling, assuming a manly pose. He sang in a deep voice, "Sing once again with me, our strange duet. My power over you grows stronger yet."

It went on like this for some time, with Davy Jones switching from the high soprano to the deep voice. He also managed to somehow do both voices for the duet parts ("Must 'ave somethin' to do with' those tentacles o' his." Whispered Ragetti to Pintel.).

It finally got to the end, where Davy Jones hit that incredibly high note and held it for a time.

Panting, a shy grin spread across his face slowly. "Did you like it? That's only one song, too. There's a bunch more I can sing."

Everyone stared at him for a few moments, before bursting into laughter.

"Our captain sings like a ladyyyy!" Bootstrap howled amid screaming random phrases.

"He's worse than me!" Beckett crowed happily.

"No, 'e's not, you chicken." Jack said, smirking almightily.

Finally, Davy Jones's pretty-much-nonexistent-patience reached it's end. "Silence!" he roared, his face settling into it's usually squiddy scowl. "Or I'll have my bosun attend to you!"

Jimmylegs smiled, and cracked his whip menacingly.

Everyone promptly shut up.


End file.
